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A guide to US states and cities

• New York City:   tourists, gay, tourists, peanuts, FUCKING TOURISTS
• Idaho:   Potatoes
• Michigan:   that lake place
• Florida:   DISNEY WORLD and those other parks
• San Francisco:   gay, Princess Diaries, That's So Raven
• Wisconsin:   cheese
• Montana and the Dakotas:   population of cows exceeds that of humans
• New Jersey:   garden state my ass
• Vermont:   Canada on drugs
• Dallas:   stereotypical south
• New Orleans:   alcohol, fried donuts, jazz music (the place to be)
• Philadelphia:   Cream Cheese, beat anyone who calls it "the city," fair chance of being mugged
• Oklahoma:   why
• Las Vegas:   WHITE PEOPLE MAKING SHITTY DECISIONS
• Los Angeles:   traffic not worth the possibility of spying a celeb
• Kentucky:   not enjoyable at all, two stars would not recommend
• Maine:   how are you even a part of the US?
• Chicago:   everyone has a gun so don't piss us off
• Minnesota:   t-shirts and shorts when it's below zero
• Texas:   We are not cowboys go away
• Pennsylvania:   Hershey chocolate, no we're not all Amish, liberty bell, constitution, declaration of independence, will smith, ben franklin
• Ohio:   no one even lives here go somewhere else
• Georgia:   Peaches and dumb white people. don't even stop in the state for gas just keep going.
• Washington:   Trees, farms, hipsters, fake gangsters, and more trees,

When my brother's in the shower...

• -waiting for brother to get out of the shower-
• -hears him singing-
• me:   will you quit singing?
• brother:   what?
• me:   QUIT SINGING. IT'S LAME
• brother:   WOMAN
• brother:   WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER, TWO THINGS GET TO BE FREE
• brother:   MY BALLS
• brother:   AND MY SOUL

That awkward moment when someone tells you that your zipper is open.